Blog it out!!!

This morning I was going through all my old bills and mail shredding and getting rid of a couple trash bags full old mail. I am so neurotic about making sure my identity isn't stolen, especially in the trash. I hold onto my mail, until I can sit down and shred every piece that has my address on it.
And here it is, what got me to blog today because I can't channel it anywhere else.

I was going through and found some remenants of my three most heartbreaking relationships.

Like, I wasn't already stressed out!

Ok, let's go in order. I found a letter from my son's Dad. We'll call him Bill. It said he would really like my support and blah, blah, blah. He was my first love. In the letter he recollects how we were best friends. This guy is dragging it out. We haven't said two words to each other in two years! The nerve of this guy. So I'm like whatever, lies all lies, and I rip it up and throw it in the trash. He left, when my son was three weeks old. I was young, so was he. But he did pay child support up until last year. Even then, we had to go to court over that. Then changing my son's last name to mine. We had to go court over that, too. I won each time, but I didn't see the point in why we had to be there in the first place. I'm the full-time parent, he should just agree with what I have to say. And that's it. I think finding this letter is what fired me up the most. Parenting stuff definetly strikes a chord. But after about five minutes I got over it.

So I'm going through some more old mail and I find an old medical bill for my second relationship. We'll call him Jack. Hehehe, I did totally wanna add something to that name, but in fairness I'll move on. Anyway, it brought me back to why he was billed. One night when we were living together, he woke up with chest pains. We went to the hospital, and they kept him over night. He and I were, (and probably still are) smokers, so it was a little scary. But even at that time we were in our very early twenties. He was also like my best friend. We spent a tremendous amount of time together, and both loved and lived our spirituality. It was a good a match, but we fought all the time. Looking back I think we were just too young, with nothing in common. After two years we broke up, but to my surprise was not as devastating as I thought it would be. I felt relief when it was over.

Which brings me to my third relationship. We'll call him Todd. Todd and I had been best friends for 5 years. Very nuetral, in the beginning I think. Well, I'll admit it there was an attraction there. The first time I ever saw him in passing, I thought Wow, I could marry a guy like that. I mean really who thinks like that? We never formally met until a few years later. We became close after I shared some hurtful events in my life and he helped me through it, by helping me find my spiritual belief again. He was awesome. As long as we were friends. So anyways after me and Jack broke up a few months later me and Todd decided to take our friendship to the next level. It was nice, I liked it. We could talk about anything, and I knew he loved me more than life itself. But like life, I wasn't perfect. I had deep sexual abuse and rape issues that I was confronting and had internal tissues inside my body that were cancerous. What a combination. To this day I believe the two are linked the physical cancer and the emotional cancer. So he was very supportive and loving. At the same time he was going through some abandonment issues. As was I. During my counseling, my psychologist informed that I would need a support team during my counseling treatment. My abandonment issue rose-up when I asked my mother to support me and she flat out turned me down said I needed to ask one of my aunties to support me. (Later on, I did, and my Aunt was awesome support). At that time, I was pissed and hurt. All this stuff was going on and me and Todd were trying to have a relationship. It was sticky and I knew he was ready for marriage. I thought I was, but then I changed my mind. It was too much for me, the counseling and cancer stuff. He ultimately needed my support, and by all means, I should have supported him. But I've come to understand, like my mother, I couldn't give what I didn't have. And at that time I had nothing to give.

So maybe the moral of the story isn't that my boyfriends were a__holes. Cause they aren't. Bill is very intelligent and I know he loves his son more than anything, he just can't be what he never had, -a good father. And Jack, he, however is a good father and was to my son. I'll always love him for that. We were just so young, we really didn't have much in common at all. Our spirituality, our prayers, our way of life. -We both love, to this day, so much, and still run into each other at those events. But like I said on daily basis, we had nothing in common. And lastly Todd, who I thought was my biggest regret, actually turns out to be a neutral regret. Later on I contacted him and apologized for everything that happened the way it did. Probably hoping for some romantic reunion. Never happened. He said he was over it. That was a couple years ago.

I'm past the point in my life, where I have to cut people down to feel better about the decisions I made, it doesn't work. In each of those relationships, there were two of us. Today I can truthfully say, I might be ok, if this so called Mr. Right came along. But if there's anything I've learned, it's that relationships take work. That means working on yourself, first, because you can't change anyone. And most importantly, you can't give what you don't have, and that means -love.

Here it comes, the moral of the story. Dunnn, Dunnn, Dunn...If you don't love yourself completely, How can you even begin to think you can honestly love another person?

That's my Jedi knowledge for today.